Pretty funny

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  • Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.
  • Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
  • You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
  • My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
  • I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
  • My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” But they stopped after I started saying that to them at funerals.
  • Happy 70th birthday. At last, you can live undisturbed by life insurance agents!
  • I started crying when Dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good hamster.
  • I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother. Not screaming like her passengers.
  • Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
  • Why is it that if you donate one kidney, people love you, but if you donate five kidneys, they call the police?
  • I was playing fantasy football with my friend, and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing fantasy football.
  • I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
  • I’m not completely useless. I make a fantastic bad example.
  • A supernova is a lot like Hollywood. Both are where stars die.
  • I threw a boomerang a few years ago. Now I live in constant fear.
  • My last date with my ex-girlfriend went terribly. It’s almost like she didn’t want to celebrate the two-year anniversary of when she dumped me!
  • How’d I learn my rank among my siblings? My mom handed me the camera for every family photo.
  • My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.
  • My mother told me, “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.” Terrible way to learn I’m adopted.
  • My grief counselor died, but he was so good at his job that I don’t even care.
  • I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
  • The internet is like a series of pipes in that both ultimately lead to the sewer.
  • I always tell new hires, “Don’t think of me as your boss; think of me as your friend who can fire you.”
  • I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home, so I threw him out. I hate visitors.
  • My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
  • Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it. And sometimes it makes you puke.
  • Engraved names of lovers on trees aren’t cute or romantic. They’re creepy reminders of how many people carry knives on dates.
  • How are husbands like wine? They take forever to mature, and by the time some of them do, they taste disgusting.
  • My wife left me a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door, and it’s working fine!
  • I went to see my dentist, and he warned me it was going to hurt. He was right. He admitted to an affair with my wife.
  • I just came across my husband’s Tinder profile, and I am so angry about his lies. He is not “fun to be around!”
  • My wife says making love is even better on vacation. I only wish she didn’t tell me via email.
  • My therapist told me the problem with my love life is that I pursue damaged people and try to help them. I was like, “You too!”
  • My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer. I’m not too worried. I think she’s jokinsdnbfjadskbngfsjkgbsafgfsgadfgdfgdfh.
  • My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If you do, pass me your contact details, and we’ll drop them off tomorrow.
  • My spouse treats me like God: generally ignoring until they want something.
  • A man marches into a magic forest with a saw and sets about cutting down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree protests. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
  • The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.
  • As a child attempts to set his house on fire, his dad stands by, watching with tears in his eyes. He hugs his wife and says, “That’s arson.”
  • Here’s a dark joke: You walk into a crowded bar and immediately, everyone lines up to take a swing at you. That’s it. That’s the punchline.
  • My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?” I replied, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”
  • When my Uncle Frank was dying, he asked me to put his ashes in his favorite beer mug. He wanted to be Frank-in-stein.
  • Vampires seem so sick. They’re always coffin.
  • Whenever I’m watching my daughter at the park, some other parent always asks, “Which one is yours?” So I like to smile and reply, “I’m still deciding.”
  • Today I decided to visit my childhood house. Feeling nostalgic, I asked the residents if I could walk around inside, but they just slammed the door on my face. My mother and father are the worst.
  • I was digging in our garden in the middle of the night when I found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run inside the house and tell my wife about it … but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden in the middle of the night.
  • It’s important to have a strong grasp on vocabulary. I mean, if I’d known the difference between “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.
  • The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
  • When ordering food at a new restaurant, a woman asks the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken. “Nothing special,” he explains. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”
  • I was drinking a martini when the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?” I jumped to my feet and yelled back, “I know the entire alphabet.” Everyone laughed and laughed. Well, everyone except one person.
  • While two men are golfing, a hearse slowly drives by. One of the golfers puts down his club, folds his hands in front of him and bows his head as it passes. When he resumes his shot, his friend says, “Wow. I had no idea you were so respectful.” The golfer replies, “Well, I was married to her for 30 years.”
  • People say they’ll sleep when they’re dead, but not me. I have way too many enemies to haunt.
 
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