Don't know how to say this, so I'll just say it

I'm in no position to offer anyone here advice, but yes... us men get the bad feels too. We hide it, stow it, push it down. This is why it's good to have real brothers, web brothers, etc. to be there to listen, not judge. I think these forums centered around gear attract people with many similar personalities are a missed opportunity for other kinds of bonding. Some stuff we can't talk about due to... rules and such. It's a total crazy cuckoo world right now, we are frankly being gaslit with powerful tools by our "betters" like no society has been for nearly a century. Suddenly up has become down down, wrong is right, success is failure, etc ...just like Orwell wrote back in the 40's. This grand psyop causing individuals to feel disconnect and disorientation is the end goal. Be strong and hopefully good can eventually prevail.
 
Clockworkmike said:
I know I haven't been around much lately, I don't have any excuses for it really. But, I wanted to come clear somewhat with everything that has been going on and where I go in from here.

I don't normally air everything going on in my life, other than something random I might've felt like sharing at that particular moment. I typically intentionally leave a lot of details out because while I consider you all an extended family, I also don't like bogging people down with my bull$hit. If something is going wrong? I'm the kind of person who just cracks a joke and changes the subject because it's always easier that way. I've always felt that laughing and goofing off is an easier way to mask bigger problems, so that's what I prefer to do.

But lately, $hit has just gotten way outta hand in my personal life, to put it in it's simplest terms. It's too long of a story, too much unnecessary drama and too much bull$hit in general to drag anyone down with by sitting and crying about it like some needy, attention seeking ass clown we see and hear about everyday on any social media. That ain't me and that's not how I do things. But at the same time, it's become harder to smile and cut up with my typical goofy nonsense. So, I've just kinda....withdrawn I guess is the word you'd use?

I haven't had any desire whatsoever to even pick up a guitar, let alone play SOMETHING. I've tried to force myself to play and it's like it doesn't even work anymore; that I've unlearned everything I've struggled so many years just to even half-ass my way thru it. So because of that, I guess I feel like a fraud/poseur hanging around, talking about guitar related stuff in general when it's something that I'm secretively not even touching. And because of that? I've just stayed away from here.

I know that isn't right. I know that is pretty $hitty, especially considering the fact I actually LIKE all of you guys. It's $hitty to just shut people out and avoid them, but I also feel it's $hitty to bring them down. I'm trying to fix a lot of things but, for everything I try to improve, it just seems like 3 other things come forward and push any progress backwards. But I'm still trying because I don't dig ANY of this and I know it's gotta get better, SOMETIME. But I just wanted to say that I'm not intentionally ignoring anyone, nor am I ghosting this place. Just a lot going on.

I just wanted to get this off my chest. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being around, I'm sorry for not talking and I'm just sorry overall. Just trying to get things back in order
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You and me both man.
Lol
I think I'm starting to claw my way out, albeit ar a snail's pace.

I recently learned that I've spent the last 20 years in a relationship with someone who is bipolar. Suddenly, all the crap that didn't make sense to me started to make sense when looking at it through this lens of new information. 20 years of emotional abuse, manipulation, narcissism, etc....20 years that I didn't understand what was happening. 20 years of questioning and blaming myself and simply not understanding. Now I feel somewhat vindicated. It doesn't change any of what's happened, but at least now it makes some kind of sense in a mentally-ill kind of way lol

I am just now beginning to understand what this has done to my OWN mental health after 2 decades. ...The rescued cult member sometimes takes years to de-program.

She and I have struggled. Always. And this diagnosis is terrible news on the surface, but I decided to look at it somewhat differently.
Now that we know what's up, she can work with her doctor and therapist and get medication that works and it may actually be the key we need to turn everything around (finally). A blessing in disguise, if you will.
She had a really rough childhood and I could just slap the sht out of her parents...there will be more diagnoses coming. CPTSD at least. Maybe others as well.

So without writing an entire novel here (cause there's a LOT!!!), I'll just say that I came in here just to tell ya that you ain't alone bro! We've all got our struggles and challenges in life. You need not apologize.
 
Must be the season. Burying mum later this week. Still a ton of crap going on with hospice, nursing home, MassHealth, for profit "health scare", and other stuff. Why I haven't been around. Maybe after I get back from Germany the end of the month. Too many buttons being pushed now.

Hope you'll be ok, and everything gets smoothed out.
 
Clockworkmike said:
Again, I'm sorry for bringing down the vibe. But thank you all for being very cool, very kind and understanding. Im not going anywhere, but just wanted to say what I had to say
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Let me put it to you this way, MIKE. YOU are not bringing us or our vibe down.
If any down is happening, you already said it. You are feeling burdens and it is weighing on you. Bring a bit of down/dark cloud to you. As your friends, we can think of nothing more that we'd like to do but lift up your spirits and encourage you.
Go for it, when you feel led, and if not, go blast some guns, ride a ditbike. stick your finger in an electrical outlet, whatever it takes.

Hang in there, bro.
 
SG John said:
Must be the season. Burying mum later this week. Still a ton of crap going on with hospice, nursing home, MassHealth, for profit "health scare", and other stuff. Why I haven't been around. Maybe after I get back from Germany the end of the month. Too many buttons being pushed now.

Hope you'll be ok, and everything gets smoothed out.
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I will be thinking about you and family, SG John. Been there, done that for my mom.
 
I want to say thank you to you all for reaching out and saying such kind and supportive words. It really does mean more than you ever could realize and I'm the kind of person that never forgets and is forever grateful.

I know it will get better in time, however long that may be. Though there is one problem I have that I simply cannot fix myself, the rest just need to be tackled one at a time and I can get through it because I've done it before. It just became overwhelming, having some many problems hit back to back and I felt like explaining myself and why I slipped out. I don't plan on walking away from here, I just wanted to say why I've been absent and short worded.

But at the same time, I know there's a whole lot more people out there ( and here) that are going through a whole lot worse than I got and I'm sorry for everyone of you going thru these bad times. I hope things get better and though I'm clearly probably not the best candidate by sitting here complaining, I still would gladly listen to anyone of you who just needed a simple ear.

Thanks again fellas
 
Clockworkmike said:
I know I haven't been around much lately, I don't have any excuses for it really. But, I wanted to come clear somewhat with everything that has been going on and where I go in from here.

I don't normally air everything going on in my life, other than something random I might've felt like sharing at that particular moment. I typically intentionally leave a lot of details out because while I consider you all an extended family, I also don't like bogging people down with my bull$hit. If something is going wrong? I'm the kind of person who just cracks a joke and changes the subject because it's always easier that way. I've always felt that laughing and goofing off is an easier way to mask bigger problems, so that's what I prefer to do.

But lately, $hit has just gotten way outta hand in my personal life, to put it in it's simplest terms. It's too long of a story, too much unnecessary drama and too much bull$hit in general to drag anyone down with by sitting and crying about it like some needy, attention seeking ass clown we see and hear about everyday on any social media. That ain't me and that's not how I do things. But at the same time, it's become harder to smile and cut up with my typical goofy nonsense. So, I've just kinda....withdrawn I guess is the word you'd use?

I haven't had any desire whatsoever to even pick up a guitar, let alone play SOMETHING. I've tried to force myself to play and it's like it doesn't even work anymore; that I've unlearned everything I've struggled so many years just to even half-ass my way thru it. So because of that, I guess I feel like a fraud/poseur hanging around, talking about guitar related stuff in general when it's something that I'm secretively not even touching. And because of that? I've just stayed away from here.

I know that isn't right. I know that is pretty $hitty, especially considering the fact I actually LIKE all of you guys. It's $hitty to just shut people out and avoid them, but I also feel it's $hitty to bring them down. I'm trying to fix a lot of things but, for everything I try to improve, it just seems like 3 other things come forward and push any progress backwards. But I'm still trying because I don't dig ANY of this and I know it's gotta get better, SOMETIME. But I just wanted to say that I'm not intentionally ignoring anyone, nor am I ghosting this place. Just a lot going on.

I just wanted to get this off my chest. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being around, I'm sorry for not talking and I'm just sorry overall. Just trying to get things back in order
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Yo @Clockworkmike, a few years ago I had some life altering things happen to me.

First I lost my daughter to cancer in 2017 after starting a new job and this forum.

Shortly after that I lost my 2 best friends that I've known since childhood.

Then the owner of the home we were renting told us that we needed to move at the end of the month just after we paid rent, they wanted to move their family into the home we had been renting for the past 10 years.

We could not find a place to live close enough to my job that we could afford to rent, so I purchased a brand new 40' trailer. I had plumbing, electric run to the backyard on my mother in laws home, laid a slab of concrete down and had the trailer delivered to where we now reside.

In 2019 the job I had excelled in for the past year went to poop when I got a new boss and he really messed with me including not allowing me to use the bathroom, not paying my overtime and finally firing me for getting a drink of water while not on my break. This was right after spending 10's of thousands of dollars to ensure we would have a place to live close to my employment.

There was a 3 year long court case that I eventually one, but ever since my daughter passed away, we have been fighting one obstacle after another. In the past 5 years, I have picked up a guitar 2 or 3 times. I too have lost the mojo that I use to have with a guitar.

During covid in 2020, I lost my brother to cancer. He was a single parent leaving two kids behind.

After losing my 2 partners with this website a couple of years ago, I was almost ready to shut this site down. The only thing that prevented me from shutting this site down was y'all, the members.

Although I do still own several guitars and a few amps, I just don't have the same passion that I did a few years ago. However I do have friends here on TTR and I'll keep the doors open as long as we can pay the bills, regardless of my passion or lack of for playing guitar.

So Mike, you will always be welcome here whether you do or do not own a guitar, whether you do or do not play guitar. It's you, Mike on the keyboard that is our family, not the guitar. That is just a hunk of wood and metal.

FWIW, I suck at playing even when I did have a strong passion. Now 5 years later I'm celebrating my 5th year at a great job, I won a huge settlement for wrongful termination and violation of disabilities rights. I was able to purchase 2 new cars in 2022 and pay off all of my credit cards. My situation has improved and yours will too my friend.
 
Yo clock…..

If ya need to talk you know where to find me!

Like Slayer says!!!

Feeding on my tolerance is all you f***' do
No looking back, no regrets, no apologies
What you get is what you see!!!

Hang in there bro!
 
I had no idea, my sincere condolences Mike, and as trite as it may sound what don't kill you makes you stronger. Once times heals, you're gonna a have a titanium-clad body and soul
 
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