FOR SALE:
Fender guitar shaped melee weapon. Comes with Marshall combo amplifier shaped soul casket. It contains the tortured souls of those who have been cut down by it's bludgeoning brother.
This weapon and casket have a long, rich, and macabre history. Legend has it that the Chinese Emporer Qin Shi Huang ordered them made by his top sorcerers when his rule became threatened by advancing Zhang Liang and his own men, who desired to topple the rule of Emporer Qin Shi Huang.
Qin Shi Huang's sorcerers delivered the enchanted weapon and soul casket just in time. Today, you can hear the pleading screams of the very people that this weapon cut down that day.
Then, it was lost to time.
For nearly 900 years, it laid forgotten, carefully hidden away from the world, for it's power was great. It turned men into monsters. There were some who thought it best if it were to be destroyed, many tried. They're all also contained within the soul casket. Then, it turned up in Viking hands, used in terrible raids against the Saxons, made it's way into the Knight's Templar later on, but it again lost to time.
..I found this in the back of a tiny p̶o̶r̶n̶o̶g̶r̶a̶p̶h̶y̶ music store way back in the plaid-neon period, also known as the early 1990's. I have painstakingly authenticated the background of this melee weapon and soul casket by having it looked at by Rick Harrison, and a guy he knows. The neck plate says "MADE IN CHINA" so that right there shows you that it IS the very same weapon and soul casket that Emporer Qin Shi Huang had his top sorcerers craft. There are wear marks on the handle that show that many warriors have gripped the weapon over time.
How it found it's way to that store, we'll likely never know. It was dirty and sticky, and it had an aroma that reminded me of a freshly vacated champagne room, but one thing is for certain:
My wife HATES it. Says it's gotta go. Says the tortured souls within never stop screeching and yelling and....even singing?? Anyway, keeps her up at night. And it attracts all the local strumpets, and party animals, and drugs and booze, honestly, anything a man could ever want, and everything a man's wife doesn't want him to have.
Like I said, it turns men into monsters. Look what it did to this man over time:
...oh...wait, I mean, it turns men into the guy all men want to be, and the one all the ladies want to be with. You all know him. He's "that" guy. He
could be YOU! That guy up there is just wearing a mask because he doesn't want all the VD that often comes with smashin' cervixes into the stall wall in the arena's lavatories. But if that's your style bro, smash 'em up! If not, find yourself a disguise, quick! They'll be throwing themselves upon you the moment you grip the weapon's handle. Seriously.
I got this deal real cheap, I'll admit. So I'm not looking to take advantage or anything, I'll pass the magic on to you for the low price of $66,666.
This weapon and soul casket actually fully functions as a real guitar and amplifier too, so when you get tired of crushing souls and slaying sopping sloppy labia, you can sit down for a moment and play a nice song to give yourself that necessary refractory period before the vulvacious slaying can continue.
Hurry up and get this thing!
Once it's in your hands, there's no limit to what you can do!!!
e. And for one simple comment on Mitch's post.
