Redo - Please critique hard ...

[Mitch Pearrow SJMP]

Mitch, though I'm completely "off" and lost in the structure, here's something that kinda jingled with me ...

https://soundcloud.com/id%3Duser-393424350%252Fmitch%3Btrack_id%3D1333733863

That was pretty impressive, but I would have started with down pick at the 14 second mark and then I think it would fit better, and you would along gate the last word life if that makes sense.. nobody has ever even tried it yet so you are the first, like the beginning when I I hit the down chord, then I believe the rest will follow in a bit better..
Nice work brother

 

[Mitch Pearrow SJMP]

@Sapient
Thanks for the post bro much appreciated
Alonggate the Sea of Life with the guitar on those first 2 chords with a little aggressiveness in the descending pattern and give it another shot..
Please

Thanks
Mitch

 

[Sapient]

That was pretty impressive, but I would have started with down pick at the 14 second mark and then I think it would fit better, and you would along gate the last word life if that makes sense.. nobody has ever even tried it yet so you are the first, like the beginning when I I hit the down chord, then I believe the rest will follow in a bit better..
Nice work brother

Thanks. Yea, I had no clue as to any existing structure. It was the ultimate "wing it".

 

[Mitch Pearrow SJMP]

Thanks. Yea, I had no clue as to any existing structure. It was the ultimate "wing it".

Also it’s a chorus first similar to
Living after Midnight
You did a great wing it job,, but give it another try with the suggestion’s I gave and you will feel it.. I think!!

Thanks again for jumping straight in and giving it a whirl..
But do try it again my friend..

Mitch