How come none of you...

Hey. Do you know what you need? A Les Paul Junior!

There.
It's probably hard to get in Switzerland.
In the summer, they have to climb all the way up to the top of the alps to harvest the mahogany.
That also takes a lot of yodeling...
Then they spend all winter carving the mahogany into Les Pauls. They never pay to refrigerate beer either (that's one advantage to living in the frozen north).
It's a rustic life, in a cold land.
 
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