Barbarian Bob, been thinking more of your current plight, as you may know the welfare of all Game of Toanz competitors is my tippy-top top priority!
I'd hate to see you get ejected for some random health concern rather than your subtle sense of humour, or others getting fed up with your continued baseless boasting and them all finally deciding to team up and monkey-pile you. Of course immunity does have it's privileges!
I am suddenly reminded of a few weeks ago when i stumbled upon a peculiar page on the web about the Candiru. If you don't immediately recognize the name, you can look it up, but basically it's a small parasitic species of fish that can swim up inside your johnson, where it's ultimate goal is to securely latch itself to the inside of your urinary tract with extremely sharp
barbs (get it?) somewhere around it's head area.
Cute little buggers, actually
Once attached and fully locked in, these fascinating little creatures can cause all sort of unwelcome problems, the least of which is the bleeding and discomfort you are now experiencing. Unfortunately, one of the fastest and most reliable cures for this condition is the very one you definitely DON'T want to consider. Up here in Canada where I live we don't have great access to medical care, so often we have to come up with frontier medicine of sorts, which is often very effective, if we don't die. Luckily for you, I dabble in these sort of remedies a bit, so I have one other idea you should try first, and it's really not that expensive. I understand medical care is costly in the USA
First off, get a bottle of that red Sriracha sauce you find in stores., you don't need the large one, the five oz. one will be fine. I suppose any hot pepper sauce or vinegar based sauce would work for this remedy, such as Tobasco, Frank's etc... but I think the Sriracha is best, as it comes with a very handy and ideal applicator. Get a few bandmates to hold you down, and have one of them, or perhaps Bobbie or Gizzelle carefully Insert the squirty tip of the bottle into your urethra channel, and squirt in maybe a good ounce or so. Wait for four or five hours, and once you come to, I imagine the peppery vinegary solution will have most likely done in the wee Candiru beastie, but I'm quite sure you will safely survive.
My best guess is that over period of a week or two will the parasite will decompose enough for it to let go by itself, or if you wish to speed things along... perhaps you can get a pair of locking medical forceps in there, carefully squeeze the jaws onto the Canidiru's tail, and tear little fishy all the way loose with a firm yanking motion, much like pulling off a bandaid. If the Candiru's delicate body happens to rip off, I expect again, within a week or two, the spiny head will simply decompose and you'll most likely be able to discharge it naturally. If not perhaps see if you can get a small bottle brush in there, (probably a pipe cleaner is a bit too small), and see if you can dislodge it that way.
Now bear in mind this is an untested remedy, and I am not a qualified physician, but the way I see it, this is an all-natural method, so should be quite safe. If it works for you, please let me know.
