It Has Been Over 2 Years...

BlackSG91

BlackSG91

Ambassador of Anarchy
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Last Monday (March 20) marked the date when my beloved wife (Mary-Grace) passed away 2 years ago due to cancer. She was a wonderful woman and wife to me and I still miss her dearly to this day. Two months prior to her death in 2015 my mother had also passed away (Jan. 24, 2015) at the age of 83 and my cat Morris (in my signature) passed away on Sept. 12, 2014 at the age of 19. He was like a son to me. That's three deaths within a 7 month span. It was hell for me because I missed them all so much.

I battled with alcoholism for quite awhile after my wife's death and I was drinking heavily nearly everyday a 40 oz. bottle of overproof rum just to numb the pain. It was slowly killing me. Then I completely stopped in late August of 2015 and I suffered severe DT's. I was hearing voices and actually seeing demonic entities in my house. They were saying some of the most nasty things you could ever imagine. This lasted for about a week and I went into detox at the time. They followed me there but after they soon disappeared. I couldn't believe what I was experiencing. It was pure hell.

I stayed sober for awhile but then I fell off the wagon a few times again and ended up in the hospital on quite a few occasions. I had the shakes so bad that I couldn't even hold a glass of water without spilling it. Nowadays I have been kept clean for about 2 months and I take medication for anxiety, depression, PTSD and the list goes on. I feel I'm doing better now without being dependant on alcohol and taking my meds regularly. I want to keep that way...especially for my beloved wife who is looking over me in heaven as my guardian angel.

My wife was an inspiration to me. She was a hardworking lady and very loyal. She wanted me to always be a better person. I feel very privileged to have been married to her. We married back in 2007. She was 38 years old at the time of her death. I'm 5 years older and I'm surprised that I'm still living to this day. I've learned so much from her to cherish every moment of your life because as we all know life is too short and you must live everyday like it was your last. I wish I could travel back in time to be with her again and be the better person that she wanted from me.

My sister-in-law who now lives in the same city as me has taken power of attorney over me to help me out and make the right decisions because I have just sold my house recently. I've made a very handsome profit but I don't want to blow it all on alcohol again. I want to keep on the right path so I can have success and happiness in my life. My sister-in-law and my wife were very close. It was devastating for both of us the loss of Mary-Grace...what a beautiful name! My wife was a devout Christian and prayed for me everyday. That's why I believe she is in heaven now watching over me.

If anyone here on this fine forum would like to share any stories of a death in your family, close friend(s), etc. please share. How did you deal with grieving of your lost ones? Individual people tend to deal with grief in their own way. It's different for everyone.

Here's one of my favourite pictures of my wife. She loved music and singing very much. She was truly a sweetheart. She will always be in my heart for the rest of my life. I still wear my wedding ring to this day! God bless...

IMG507_zpsa3405165.jpg



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2 years........I remember when she passed.
Black I am very sorry for your loss. No words will fit or help. As you said everyone grieves differently --- in one year I lost my Grandfather---Father and Grandmother-----in that order, and it was a very very bad year as well -- I went from being a "child" being THE adult with kids and grand kids under me......and little above me. The "safety net" of elders all but perished in that year. This is different than a wife by far ----
I talk to all three of them daily still --- and hope the guidance I missed still makes it through :)

I also try and do as best I can ---every day-- as those who raised me and went before me, did for me. This is my way of honoring them and keeping their spirits alive.

Honor her wishes and her prayers Black and that will keep the two of you connected.
 
Dang Black... I've always wondered about your avatar. Never knew. That's some heavy sh!t you just poured out. I'm hoping and praying that you keep your head straight for the rest of your life. You've obviously shown with your opening post that your capable of doing the right thing despite the serious challenges that is part of life. If you ever have any doubts, you can always refer back to this thread and remind yourself the difference between living a life of pitiful darkness or living a life of rewarding light.
 
eSGEe said:
2 years........I remember when she passed.
Black I am very sorry for your loss. No words will fit or help. As you said everyone grieves differently --- in one year I lost my Grandfather---Father and Grandmother-----in that order, and it was a very very bad year as well -- I went from being a "child" being THE adult with kids and grand kids under me......and little above me. The "safety net" of elders all but perished in that year. This is different than a wife by far ----
I talk to all three of them daily still --- and hope the guidance I missed still makes it through :)

I also try and do as best I can ---every day-- as those who raised me and went before me, did for me. This is my way of honoring them and keeping their spirits alive.

Honor her wishes and her prayers Black and that will keep the two of you connected.
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Thanks for your condolences my friend and for sharing your story. My condolences goes out to you also for your losses. I myself feel I have changed and I count each and everyday as a blessing to be alive. I'm in good hands with my sister-in-law because she is basically the only family I have. My father passed away back in November 2001 at the ripe age of 85 from diabetes. He was a great father and person overall. I have 3 older brothers and of whom the oldest had been murdered back in 2005. It was tragic at the time. I currently don't associate with my two remaining brothers because they are complete self-absorbed A-Holes! Life goes on...eh.


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syscokid said:
Dang Black... I've always wondered about your avatar. Never knew. That's some heavy sh!t you just poured out. I'm hoping and praying that you keep your head straight for the rest of your life. You've obviously shown with your opening post that your capable of doing the right thing despite the serious challenges that is part of life. If you ever have any doubts, you can always refer back to this thread and remind yourself the difference between living a life of pitiful darkness or living a life of rewarding light.
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Thanks for your reply syscokid...I appreciate your words of wisdom. It means alot to me.


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Back in 2015 i lost my mom,my aunt her younger sister and my best friend and i still cry it hurts Even now i miss my mom, after my mom passed i drank a little bit but i stoped i just pray and i had to rehome my dog it hurts

The hurt never goes away
 
tazz3 said:
Back in 2015 i lost my mom,my aunt her younger sister and my best friend and i still cry it hurts Even now i miss my mom, after my mom passed i drank a little bit but i stoped i just pray and i had to rehome my dog it hurts

The hurt never goes away
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I'm very sorry to hear about your losses tazz. I hope things will get better for you in the future. Time usually heals all wounds. It might take longer for some others but only time will tell. And BTW I love your little doggy in your avatar! He/she looks so cute...what's it's name? I want to adopt another pet when I get settled in my new place because I'm a true animal lover. My cat Morris was such a character. He really loves bacon and steak which I would mix in with his cat food. He was my little buddy and I loved him so.


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Black, my condolences. ya know, I had a sense you had some tough times in the recent past, and you've made some comments to me about alcohol. I never felt it my place to ask, but I could feel you were hurting, and I've secretly hoped you were doing ok. I'm glad you can come to a place like this, and share some of your memories of your wife and family.

I lost my mother in 2004, and it was and is the hardest thing I've ever been thru....so much so, that I've never talked with anyone about it....but the sunshine is, that I realize how precious life is, I don't live for the weekend, and I appreciate every second. It brought me and my 80 year old father closer than ever, and I cherish that.

I do wish you the best black...stay strong brother.
 
Bocc69 said:
Black, my condolences. ya know, I had a sense you had some tough times in the recent past, and you've made some comments to me about alcohol. I never felt it my place to ask, but I could feel you were hurting, and I've secretly hoped you were doing ok. I'm glad you can come to a place like this, and share some of your memories of your wife and family.

I lost my mother in 2004, and it was and is the hardest thing I've ever been thru....so much so, that I've never talked with anyone about it....but the sunshine is, that I realize how precious life is, I don't live for the weekend, and I appreciate every second. It brought me and my 80 year old father closer than ever, and I cherish that.

I do wish you the best black...stay strong brother.
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Thanks for your condolences BocceBall me brother. I'm real sorry to hear about your loss also...I know it must have been pretty tough for you. I used alcohol as a coping mechanism that was a temporary fix but in the long run it made it worse. I'm glad I'm more clear-headed now so that I can make better decisions in life. My wife wasn't afraid of dying and she was one tough and strong person. That's what I miss about her. I hope that you or anyone else here doesn't get cancer because you're a real good guy and I like you and others on here very much. It's a very supportive group on this forum and it makes all the difference. Live long and prosper my good friend!


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Wow Black i dont know what to say but im sorry for all your losses and youve been through alot. Keep sober and eat ur meds. Ive delt with drug and alcohol issues in the past myself.now i just,well you know :)
 
JohnnyGoo said:
Wow Black i dont know what to say but im sorry for all your losses and youve been through alot. Keep sober and eat ur meds. Ive delt with drug and alcohol issues in the past myself.now i just,well you know :)
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Thanks Johnny...I will try to keep sober because alcohol withdrawal I heard is almost as bad or even worse than heroin withdrawal...which I don't do. But I'm glad I still I have my happy weed to settle me down...no hangovers at all. I appreciate your words of advice my friend. Peace...


;>)/
 
Yo Black... I went through my struggle with alcohol when my 1st wife left and took my kids with no trace of where they went. I did not miss her as much as I missed my kids. The loss of my kids and not knowing where they were hurt very much. I found out were they went ant got to see them a few years later, but became vey good friends with Jack Daniels in between. I lost my father who raised me as a single parent and went through my struggle with the white powder that was so prevalent in the 80s. The was a 10 year ride for me. In 2009 I lost my mom, but I had my 2nd wife to keep me grounded. Without her I know not where I would be today, but it would probably not be a good place. I hope that you can stay clean and find someone else to love and hold on to.
 
Black, my sincere condolences to you for your losses. I have had losses in my life. I lost my grandparents, who raised me, in 2002 & 2003. I lost 3 of my close friends; Mark overdosed, Keith had cancer and Joe committed suicide. In 2012 my ex-girlfriend committed suicide and in 2014 my 1st ex-wife died of cancer. We have 3 adult kids together. It has been difficult for our kids. I can relate to your struggle with alcohol. I too have suffered the DTs and experienced demonic hallucinations many times. I've detoxed in the hospital many times. I finally sobered up last year on my own after relapsing for 8 years. I feel much better now. I play my guitar everyday. I try to do one useful thing everyday. I take a fistful of medication just to be "okay" everyday. You are not alone in your struggles. I never thought that I could be happy about sobriety, but today I am okay with it. I don't want to die drunk. Thank you for sharing your story. Reading it makes me want to continue to do well.
 
WavMixer said:
Yo Black... I went through my struggle with alcohol when my 1st wife left and took my kids with no trace of where they went. I did not miss her as much as I missed my kids. The loss of my kids and not knowing where they were hurt very much. I found out were they went ant got to see them a few years later, but became vey good friends with Jack Daniels in between. I lost my father who raised me as a single parent and went through my struggle with the white powder that was so prevalent in the 80s. The was a 10 year ride for me. In 2009 I lost my mom, but I had my 2nd wife to keep me grounded. Without her I know not where I would be today, but it would probably not be a good place. I hope that you can stay clean and find someone else to love and hold on to.
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Sorry to hear about you not being able to spend time with your kids when they were younger and the loss of your loved ones. My heart goes out to you my friend. I wish me and my wife had kids...we were married in 2007. We were planning on moving to Edmonton, Alberta to start a new life there and have kids, but things have changed as you know. I'm approaching 50 years of age with no offspring of my own. Strangely enough I was born when my father was 50 years of age. He passed away back in November 2001 at the ripe age of 85 due to diabetes. He was a good father and a gentle descent person. Thanks for sharing your story Wav and I'll try to stay clean as you said. Hopefully I may meet the woman of my dreams sometime in the future. Anything is possible.


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jjudas said:
Black, my sincere condolences to you for your losses. I have had losses in my life. I lost my grandparents, who raised me, in 2002 & 2003. I lost 3 of my close friends; Mark overdosed, Keith had cancer and Joe committed suicide. In 2012 my ex-girlfriend committed suicide and in 2014 my 1st ex-wife died of cancer. We have 3 adult kids together. It has been difficult for our kids. I can relate to your struggle with alcohol. I too have suffered the DTs and experienced demonic hallucinations many times. I've detoxed in the hospital many times. I finally sobered up last year on my own after relapsing for 8 years. I feel much better now. I play my guitar everyday. I try to do one useful thing everyday. I take a fistful of medication just to be "okay" everyday. You are not alone in your struggles. I never thought that I could be happy about sobriety, but today I am okay with it. I don't want to die drunk. Thank you for sharing your story. Reading it makes me want to continue to do well.
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Wow...you went through a lot yourself jjudas! I'm real sorry to hear about all your losses. That's pretty heavy stuff you went through and the alcoholism. That must have been pretty scary for you having the DT's and experiencing demonic hallucinations like I have. Those entities are spiritual vampires that mess with your mind and try to make you go insane. Even Bill Ward (drummer from Black Sabbath) had a severe alcohol problem. He doesn't even remember a single thing he recorded on "Heaven & Hell". He even spent time in a psycho ward tied up due to severe DT's. I'm real glad you're doing better now and that you quit drinking. Drinking is only a temporary fix. In the long run it just makes things more worse and you feel a mass of overwhelming confusion & anxiety. Thanks for sharing your story and I'm proud of you being back on track. That's an inspiration for me to do the same brother.


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Drinking ones self to death isnt the way to go. Sometimes i sit and think of the crap ive did in my past and wonder how im still upright.Keep up the sobriety .
 
Hey everyone stay positive and keep kicking the sh*t out of your demons. We all have them in some form and degree or another.

Stay sober if you should, drink up if not,
and "Always Look at the Bright Side of Life"

My mom just had a 2" undiagnosed cancerous tumor and part of her duodenum removed about 1 mo ago. It was literally blocking anything from leaving her stomach by that time.
Docs couldnt see or find why she was ill and losing weight for almost 1 year.
I think those quacks should be....I'll hold that thought, well I think they should have found it sooner.

She is scheduled to get a chemo port installed next week and start a cycle of treatment.
I am hopeful but unsure whether we will be exchanging X-mas gifts.
She's a tough stubborn old goat but this wore her down real bad.
 
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